Hate Crimes, Love Crimes

I can't tell you how many people stop me in the street and ask me the following. "Bill," they ask, "how can I commit random acts of property destruction without the pesky bother of being arrested for vandalism or trespassing?"

"'Tis indeed a perplexing question," I reply. "One might as well try to climb a mountain without a rope."

Well friends, the impossible is now possible--if you live in La Habra, California, that is:

Antiwar protesters burned and ripped up flags, flowers and patriotic signs at a Sept. 11 memorial that residents erected on a fence along Whittier Boulevard days after the terrorist attacks in 2001 and have maintained ever since.

These "protesters" couldn't possibly have avoided a stay in the pokey bin, you say?

However, although officers witnessed the vandalism Saturday afternoon, police did not arrest three people seen damaging the display because they were "exercising the same freedom of speech that the people who put up the flags were,' La Habra Police Capt. John Rees said Monday.

"For this to be vandalism, there had to be an ill-will intent,' he said.

There you have it folks. To avoid prosecution, simply think happy thoughts. The police can't arrest you if you think happy, oh so happy, thoughts.

Sound too good to be true? It shouldn't. The Orwellian orthodoxy of political correctness has already deemed some crimes to be worse than others depending on a criminal's motives, so it's no big step to say that some crimes are not as bad as others when done with the right (read: politically correct) motives. So I suggest we commit the following "Love Crimes":

• Let's sing "Kumbaya" while we egg the SUVs of celebrities who complain about SUVs. When asked, we'll say that we're just protesting against oil-guzzling cars that help terrorists and endanger furry forest animals.

• For the sake of world peace, let's pelt Jimmy Carter with peanuts. (Oh yeah, let's.)

• Let's spray paint hearts, hugs, and kisses on the MOAB, and send it with luuuuuv to Saddam. We'll even dedicate it to the children^TM, oh the children^TM.

• Did I mention pelting Jimmy Carter with peanuts?

• On behalf of the workers of the world, let's give Michael Moore the Mother of All Wedgies.

• Oh, did I forget about pelting Jimmy Carter with peanuts?

• We can't forget about Bill Moyers. I can't quite think of what things to do to him, but they will be the very terrors of the earth--but we'll be sure to think happy, oh so happy thoughts while we're doing them.

P.S. Did I say anything about pelting Jimmy Carter with peanuts?